sketchbook edition #3

 The fun part of moving is going through all the fun stuff I have packed away in my closet. Not only did I discover some half empty sketchbooks with plenty of drawing room, but I also found plenty old pieces I’ve drawn that I am actually proud of! Most of the following are Supernatural related, save for the last one (yay Sherlock!) 

Season 9 – experiments with multiple subjects – not complete but not too bad

Dean

Charcoal! I should do more of this – I adore the tones

Jo Harvelle – because I needed a subject other than the boys.

Baby Sam and Jessica

Dean

The Boys

Meg – another attempt at a female figure

This was more of a full figure study as opposed to his face

More figure studies

Working on interactions between people – Bobby and Ellen

Baby Sam and Dean – more interactions

Dean

Figure studies of the boys

Tried changing the perspective of his face – Dean

This was for Andrea a while back – also muscles are fun to draw

John Watson – fun with light sources

Update

It’s been almost three months since I forced myself to no longer live in denial.

Funny thing is – life makes a lot more sense now and I feel like I am finally moving forward.

That doesn’t mean it’s getting easier, actually it gets harder everyday.

But despite the struggle, parts of my life are coming together.

My faith has been strengthened over the last several weeks. My faith isn’t something I talk too much about, but I’ve clung to it even through a rocky history. Daily I see God’s sovereignty in my life and it is encouraging.

My friends have proved daily that family doesn’t end with blood. They are truly godsends  and I can’t believe how blessed I am to be surrounded by such positive, uplifting people.

I am getting an apartment and moving out of my parents house again! It’s a big deal for me and one that will ultimately prove to be of great influence.

With the apartment in mind I decided to adopt a kitty, who doesn’t have a name yet and is already spoiled rotten. Expect pictures of her soon.

My art is progressing nicely. More sketchbook editions are on their way.

All together the last couple of months have been an absolute whirlwind.Whirlwinds don’t stop though so I’ll Always Keep Fighting.

To Be Honest

I finally mustered up the courage to sit and write this. 

I will rewrite it seven and more times before I post – but I think it is time to discuss this openly without being afraid of what others will think.

Two posts ago I made mention of a checkpoint – a turning point in my life. In the two weeks leading up to that post I realized that I could no longer lie to myself or to the beloved friends that I consider family. I knew deep down what was wrong, but I had lived in denial of it for years (and years and years).

The hardest part of all of this has been facing the absolute truth – and trying to find a way to acknowledge that everything I have told myself for the last 10+ years is a lie. The person that I have pretended and tried to force myself to be is not and never will be me.

In a twist of fate that some will find ironic – I am now currently being treated for depression.

It has taken me over ten years to acknowledge that I needed help – and even now my self-talk would encourage me to back down and suck it up. But I didn’t – I scheduled an appointment with a therapist and she then directed me to a psychiatrist who both confirmed what I had thought.

Depression. 

That’s me. ME – Sarah Johnson. I have depression.

It is honestly so hard to believe that I am still processing through it two months later. I probably will keep processing for a long time.

What does this mean? 

I’ve been asking myself this over and over. What does this all mean? How do I go forward with this?

First of all – I have so many friends aka family that are being so incredibly helpful and supportive. Words can’t express how grateful I am for them. They’re helping me figure this out the right way. Family does indeed not end with blood.

Second – I’m taking it slow and figuring out how to take care of myself. Admittedly I am not good at it at alllllll but I will figure it out.

Thirdly – I’m working on being completely honest, which I am also not good at. It is far easier for me to lie about how I am actually doing then to have to address this. It is something I have always done – it’s my survival mode and it’s how I carry on. I’ve been doing it for so long that I believed it wholeheartedly. Again – God has given me wonderful sisters who call me out and inspire me to be truthful with them.

It’s a jumbled up mess frankly – and I don’t get it most days and I don’t believe it any of them.

I do hope that this inspires discussion – especially in the Christian community. 

I will hopefully keep updates and add my thoughts on this as time goes on. But there is the little peek into my life the past two months.

Happy Wednesday! Laura and I are trick-or-treating at Disneyland tonight, expect pictures and candy =]