To Be Honest

I finally mustered up the courage to sit and write this. 

I will rewrite it seven and more times before I post – but I think it is time to discuss this openly without being afraid of what others will think.

Two posts ago I made mention of a checkpoint – a turning point in my life. In the two weeks leading up to that post I realized that I could no longer lie to myself or to the beloved friends that I consider family. I knew deep down what was wrong, but I had lived in denial of it for years (and years and years).

The hardest part of all of this has been facing the absolute truth – and trying to find a way to acknowledge that everything I have told myself for the last 10+ years is a lie. The person that I have pretended and tried to force myself to be is not and never will be me.

In a twist of fate that some will find ironic – I am now currently being treated for depression.

It has taken me over ten years to acknowledge that I needed help – and even now my self-talk would encourage me to back down and suck it up. But I didn’t – I scheduled an appointment with a therapist and she then directed me to a psychiatrist who both confirmed what I had thought.

Depression. 

That’s me. ME – Sarah Johnson. I have depression.

It is honestly so hard to believe that I am still processing through it two months later. I probably will keep processing for a long time.

What does this mean? 

I’ve been asking myself this over and over. What does this all mean? How do I go forward with this?

First of all – I have so many friends aka family that are being so incredibly helpful and supportive. Words can’t express how grateful I am for them. They’re helping me figure this out the right way. Family does indeed not end with blood.

Second – I’m taking it slow and figuring out how to take care of myself. Admittedly I am not good at it at alllllll but I will figure it out.

Thirdly – I’m working on being completely honest, which I am also not good at. It is far easier for me to lie about how I am actually doing then to have to address this. It is something I have always done – it’s my survival mode and it’s how I carry on. I’ve been doing it for so long that I believed it wholeheartedly. Again – God has given me wonderful sisters who call me out and inspire me to be truthful with them.

It’s a jumbled up mess frankly – and I don’t get it most days and I don’t believe it any of them.

I do hope that this inspires discussion – especially in the Christian community. 

I will hopefully keep updates and add my thoughts on this as time goes on. But there is the little peek into my life the past two months.

Happy Wednesday! Laura and I are trick-or-treating at Disneyland tonight, expect pictures and candy =]

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