Update

It’s been almost three months since I forced myself to no longer live in denial.

Funny thing is – life makes a lot more sense now and I feel like I am finally moving forward.

That doesn’t mean it’s getting easier, actually it gets harder everyday.

But despite the struggle, parts of my life are coming together.

My faith has been strengthened over the last several weeks. My faith isn’t something I talk too much about, but I’ve clung to it even through a rocky history. Daily I see God’s sovereignty in my life and it is encouraging.

My friends have proved daily that family doesn’t end with blood. They are truly godsends  and I can’t believe how blessed I am to be surrounded by such positive, uplifting people.

I am getting an apartment and moving out of my parents house again! It’s a big deal for me and one that will ultimately prove to be of great influence.

With the apartment in mind I decided to adopt a kitty, who doesn’t have a name yet and is already spoiled rotten. Expect pictures of her soon.

My art is progressing nicely. More sketchbook editions are on their way.

All together the last couple of months have been an absolute whirlwind.Whirlwinds don’t stop though so I’ll Always Keep Fighting.

To Be Honest

I finally mustered up the courage to sit and write this. 

I will rewrite it seven and more times before I post – but I think it is time to discuss this openly without being afraid of what others will think.

Two posts ago I made mention of a checkpoint – a turning point in my life. In the two weeks leading up to that post I realized that I could no longer lie to myself or to the beloved friends that I consider family. I knew deep down what was wrong, but I had lived in denial of it for years (and years and years).

The hardest part of all of this has been facing the absolute truth – and trying to find a way to acknowledge that everything I have told myself for the last 10+ years is a lie. The person that I have pretended and tried to force myself to be is not and never will be me.

In a twist of fate that some will find ironic – I am now currently being treated for depression.

It has taken me over ten years to acknowledge that I needed help – and even now my self-talk would encourage me to back down and suck it up. But I didn’t – I scheduled an appointment with a therapist and she then directed me to a psychiatrist who both confirmed what I had thought.

Depression. 

That’s me. ME – Sarah Johnson. I have depression.

It is honestly so hard to believe that I am still processing through it two months later. I probably will keep processing for a long time.

What does this mean? 

I’ve been asking myself this over and over. What does this all mean? How do I go forward with this?

First of all – I have so many friends aka family that are being so incredibly helpful and supportive. Words can’t express how grateful I am for them. They’re helping me figure this out the right way. Family does indeed not end with blood.

Second – I’m taking it slow and figuring out how to take care of myself. Admittedly I am not good at it at alllllll but I will figure it out.

Thirdly – I’m working on being completely honest, which I am also not good at. It is far easier for me to lie about how I am actually doing then to have to address this. It is something I have always done – it’s my survival mode and it’s how I carry on. I’ve been doing it for so long that I believed it wholeheartedly. Again – God has given me wonderful sisters who call me out and inspire me to be truthful with them.

It’s a jumbled up mess frankly – and I don’t get it most days and I don’t believe it any of them.

I do hope that this inspires discussion – especially in the Christian community. 

I will hopefully keep updates and add my thoughts on this as time goes on. But there is the little peek into my life the past two months.

Happy Wednesday! Laura and I are trick-or-treating at Disneyland tonight, expect pictures and candy =]

Sketchbook Edition #2

While time is limited – I am still working hard at my sketches – slowly but surely trying to get better! Here are some recent samples as well as some work that I did for GisHwhEs this year!

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This picture was for Gishwhes – I had to portray what I thought Love was. I was quite proud of how it turned out.

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Clearly for Gishwhes – this is Misha and the Queen as Pin-Ups.

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one of many Dean sketches – not great but getting closer #practicepractice

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Head Studies

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The Boys #winchesters

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Dean

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Studies

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Dean – beginning to experiment with planes

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Planes!

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A not-very-happy Dean

More to come soon – I am working mostly on heads and planes at the moment – but I also intend on creating more finished looking sketches. They’ve been more rough as of late and I want to try to finish a picture.

#alwayskeepfighting

**Checkpoint 

I’ve reached a real life checkpoint – I’ve saved the progress I’ve made from the past and now I am facing a future with bigger, far uglier boss battles. 

I’ve made some admissions to myself, and to those closest to me, in the last two weeks that are slowly going to change my life. 

It’s terrifying and completely strange. I haven’t managed to wrap my head around it quite yet – but I’m trying. 

It’s moments like these though that confirm God’s sovereignty for me – he’s put the right people in my life for this moment and amazingly even the right fandom. I look back at this past year and see only His hand in this. 

On a more chipper note – GishWheS this week!!! Good luck to all participating this year! I was crazy enough to decide to do it – can’t wait to share what went down this year!! 

#AlwaysKeepFighting 

The Sketchbook

Art!!

Here’s a peek into the most recent additions of my sketchbook – I’ll try to make this a regular thing as it is nice to look back and see progress!

This was a significant moment in season 10 for me – as I hone my skills I shall return to it. I’ve titled this ‘Castiel Returns’ in an attempt to sound as pretentious as I can – HA – no I just thought it was appropriate for the moment.


Studies of Sam – more significant moments for me that I attempted to capture. Playing around with head angles and such to get the right proportions and perspective. I’m gonna just label the whole set ‘Faith’.


Kevin! Several fellows from work……’encouraged’ me to draw something other than the Winchesters – so I drew a surrogate Winchester #notsorry


All the studies – practice practice practice. I also really love eyes……


Hiccup – this one was for Trinya =] On my list of top five favorite movies – I’m honestly amazed it took me this long to sketch him.


Dean studies – because honestly I believe getting him right is nearly impossible, but it’s a task that I have taken upon myself to complete. I’m not there yet, but I’ll keep plugging away.

Things I’m Good At… #disneyland

I don’t always take pride in what I do….but I do love taking pictures of Disneyland and these past couple weeks I went quite a bit.

The blue carnations are for the 60th Anniversary – we also had a lovely hostess who told us riddles while we waited for our table = thank you Jet!

Castle, flowers, the usual =]

Really though, the assortment of flora throughout the park is stunning

Once Upon a Time

The Bux – I can’t say how grateful I am for this being at the Parks now #notanaddict

So little time…..

I’m quite proud of all I’ve accomplished in the last several weeks.

I’ve applied and been accepted to ASU Online! One step closer to finishing a degree, still no clue what I’m going to do with it but it’s a start.

I watched the 1966 Academy Award winner A Man for All Seasons. Adapted from the Tony award winning play, it tells the story of Thomas More, whose silence over Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne Boleyn cost him his life.

It was an excellent film that was rather modern in it’s storytelling. It was a piece that reminded me more of The King’s Speech or The Imitation Game which both have far different tones than the previous winners ( i.e. The Sound of Music, West Side Story, Ben Hur). 

I both read and watched The Outsiders for the first time.

I adore the book. It’s dark and gritty and very real. It’s been very hard for me to finish books as of late, probably due to technology ADD, amongst other things; this book I finished in practically two days, I couldn’t put it down.

The movie wasn’t as satisfying as I had wished it to be, despite the amazing cast. Often the acting was a wee bit stiff and the directing a little over dramatic. The beauty of the story is its simplicity, and the drama hurt the film a bit. That being said, it was still fun to watch, especially since alllllll the greats are in it (Tom Cruise, the Karate Kid, Patrick Swayze….).

Speaking of Patrick Swayze – I also watched Ghost and Too Wong Fu Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. (me? On a Swayze kick?? Nooooo….)

Ghost is now on my list of favorite films ever.

I went into it thinking it was a lame-o chick flick – but alas! No! There’s more to it than just a beautiful relationship, there’s Whoopi Goldberg and scandal and theft! I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Allllsooo, the music was pretty bomb.

Too Wong Fu  is where I really learned that Patrick Swayze was more than just a pretty boy in tight pants. My roommate and I would watch scenes when it came on TV and I was amazed by his performance as Vida (I had no idea it was him till Jess pointed it out). SO of course I had to watch the whole thing and it’s a fun movie.

I’ve also managed to begin reading Slaughterhouse Five which I suspect is the beginning of a long love affair with Vonnegut. I think much like what I enjoyed with S.E. Hinton, he’s very honest and not as stiff as other writers (particularly the classical ones…..).

OH OHHHHH.

I also went on my first date this past Friday.

I suppose this officially puts me in the game…???

If I keep this up it will be a very productive year!

Discipline

I have many flaws.

I could create a list that crosses nations.

Discipline is one thing I’m not great at – this blog is clear evidence of that.

However, that being said, I am very proud to say I’ve been to the gym consistently for a little over two weeks now. I’m hoping that while I am taking control over more of my limited free time I can discipline myself in other areas as well.

It also appears that I will be going back to school. Gonna get that online film degreeeeee. Not sure what I’m going to do with it just yet, but it’s a degree – which will prove far more useful to me than nothing at all.

I’m workin’ on that discipline thing. It’s one of the keys to art right? Alongside hard work and perseverance.

Sketches soon =]

 

 

Dapper Day

It was my first official Dapper Day – was pretty much useless while a friend took my brothers senior pictures.

On the bright side I got some cool shots of them! 

My brother is quite dashing – and there’s nothing like Disneyland for a backdrop.

Ok – it’s not my brother – but Carsland is my absolute favourite – I won’t ever tire of it.

The man who started it all =]